by Mel Robbins –
You’re not responsible for rescuing people from their problems.
Now, this one probably hits hard, especially if you’re a parent or a partner or a friend, or frankly if you have a pulse. Because if you care about somebody else, it’s really hard to accept that this is true, that you’re not responsible for rescuing people from their problems.
Because who hasn’t been there? Who hasn’t tried to clear all the obstacles out of the way to help somebody that you love?
You can support someone. You can offer advice. You can pay for things. You can throw down a dozen lifelines. But at the end of the day, people only change when they are ready to do the work to change for themselves. And if you’re not careful, your love and your concern and your worry will turn into enabling people who are struggling.
Let’s say you loan your sibling money for the third time even though they haven’t paid you back the last two times. Or you keep paying for the car, the phone, and the rent for your adult kid who isn’t working and doesn’t really seem to be looking for work or all that motivated to look for work, but still has the time and the money to go out and party with their friends. And every time you ask, “Hey, how’s the job search going?” There’s nothing but excuses and a request for some more money.
Or your partner has let themselves go, so you just sign them up for the gym membership even though they don’t want it. And then they don’t use it. But then you start resenting them because they’re not doing anything and they’re not accepting the help and you’re still trying to solve this.
And here’s what I’ve discovered about myself, is that oftentimes I’ve made it my problem to solve other people’s problems. Because I don’t like how uncomfortable I feel when I’m worrying about somebody. And so I can just make this go away. I can make myself feel better. I can make myself feel like not as worried if I pay for something or if I avoid the conversation. That’s easier than taking a step back and reminding myself at some point this person is going to have to find the strength within themselves to step up and face the issues in their life.
The fact is helping takes two people. The person giving the help, that’s you, and the person accepting the help. If you’re giving someone help and they’re not accepting it, it flips from helping to enabling because you’re the one doing all the work.
You need to say to yourself, “Let them struggle.” It sounds harsh, but it’s actually one of the most loving things that you can do, because you’re also saying, “I believe in your ability to do the work to change.” And the second that you are ready to accept the help, I will be right there to give it to you. But in the meantime, I’m not responsible for solving your problems, and I’m going to let you learn from life.
